“I Didn't Plan on Seeing 50: But God Did.”

A Solo Reflection Episode

As I turn 50, I’m taking time to reflect—not to live in the past, but to recognize the faithfulness of God through every chapter of my life. There was a time I didn’t expect to live past 30, but Jesus had a story for me that I couldn’t yet see.

In this personal solo episode, I share my journey from addiction to freedom, motherhood, healing, sanctification, learning to forgive myself, and discovering that Jesus was everything I had been searching for. Today, I can look at my life—my son, my marriage, my testimony, and the opportunities God has given me—and say with complete gratitude: Grace got me here.

This isn’t a story about what I accomplished. It’s a testimony of what Jesus redeemed.

HEART OF THE EPISODE

This episode is not about celebrating everything I’ve accomplished in 50 years.

It’s about recognizing everything God has carried me through.

There was a time I didn’t expect—or even want—to live past 30.

Now I’m turning 50.

I didn’t get here because I figured everything out.

I got here because Jesus kept pursuing me, loving me, correcting me, healing me, and redeeming parts of my story I thought could never be redeemed.

Main Scripture: Psalm 103:2–5

“Bless the Lord, O my soul: And all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, And forget not all his benefits"

Psalm 139:16

“All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you…”

Ephesians 2:8–9

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- 9: not by works, so that no one can boast."

Psalm 68:5

“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.”

Isaiah 54:5

“For your Maker is your husband—the Lord Almighty is his name…”

James 1:17

“Every good and perfect gift is from above…”

2 Corinthians 5:17

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”

John 8:36

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”

Revelation 12:11

“They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony…”

 CLOSING PRAYER 

 Father, 

Lord, I pray for the person listening who can’t see their 50 yet.

Maybe they can’t even see tomorrow.

Remind them that their story isn’t finished.

Meet them right where they are.

Break chains.

Heal wounds.

Restore hope.

Teach them to forgive themselves after You have forgiven them.

Show them that freedom is possible.

And let my life never become a story about what I accomplished.

Let it always be a testimony of what Jesus Christ has done.

If You give me another day, let me use it for You.

If You give me another year, let me use it for You.

If You give me another 50 years, let every one of them point somebody back to You.

I give You all the glory.

All the honor.

And all the praise.

In the mighty name of Jesus,

Amen.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Dear Lord Jesus, we thank you this day for your mercy, your blessings, and your grace. And we thank you for everything that you have given us, Lord Jesus. And we hope that you are here with us today. And we pray that the people that are listening are listening to us today and they are hearing the words that you have given me to speak, Lord Jesus. I pray that this episode doesn't come across boasting or that I'm celebrating or that I'm looking back at my past, Lord Jesus, but that I'm reflecting on what your grace has done for me and what your grace can do for others. Lord Jesus, give me the strength to make it through this episode and give me the words that you want me to say and the stories that you want me to tell. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen. Hey ladies and gents, and welcome back to Unrelated Sisters Truth and Grace Conversation. My name is Shannon, and today I'm by myself. Deb was coming over this afternoon for us to do the podcast together, and I really didn't know where we were headed this week. And then this morning during my quiet time, God give me this episode. And he's like, you need to do this by yourself. So simply just to get started, our main scripture today is going to be 103. Psalms 103, 2 through 5. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forgive not all his benefits. Give me just a second. I'm not ready. I'm never ready. Right? I'm always two steps behind. Psalms 103, 2. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits. Who forgives all your sins and heals all your disease, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagles. So let's just start this simple. So I turned 50 on Tuesday. And I have been, I guess for the last month, probably just thinking about turning 50 and thinking about where I was, where I got to and where I am today. You know, 50's made me think differently. It's made me look at the world differently. It's made me it's made things different, right? You know, and I'm not sitting here and I don't wish to go backwards. I don't wish I was 20 again. I just want to reflect a minute and I want to share some things. I want to share first that there's a difference between looking back because you want to go back and looking back because you finally recognize who carried you forward. So it's a little strange feeling to me to be saying I'm going to be 50. I think about the different versions of myself that existed long along the way and that has gotten me to where I am. You know, there's the young Shannon who had a family and sisters, a sister and a mother and a father, and went to church every day of the week. And then there's the shorting, the hurting Shannon, you know, the one that's family broke apart and worlds seemed to crash in front of her. And then there's the Shannon who got hot because she just didn't want to deal with reality. And Shannon who didn't expect to live very long, and then there became the new mother, and then the woman who struggled to forgive herself, the woman who knew about Jesus and hadn't completely surrendered to Jesus, a woman who finally hurt him, the wife, a leader, a podcast host, the woman preparing to stand before other women and tell them about the healing powers of Jesus. And yet, that's all me. It's all me. But none of those versions of me got me here or got me here alone. But Jesus was there the whole time. And that's kind of what I want to talk about today. Oh, please excuse me if I tear up a little bit. Uh, sometimes reflecting is emotional. Um, it's definitely emotional for me, and it's not emotional because of what I did, it's emotional because of where I came from. It's emotional because just the pure grace of God in my story overwhelms me. But it's such a wonderful emotion when it does with gratitude and gratefulness and thankfulness. So, you know, I don't know where to start to tell the truth, but the beginning, I want to begin with my story. Um, when I first started getting high, the thing I remember the most is I'm going to have fun because I don't want to live past 30 anyway. For some dark reason, I just always knew. I just always thought God was gonna take me before I turned 30. I never thought I'd live past 30. 30 seemed so far away when I started getting high. And when I think about that person, and when I think about what I did or where I came from, the choices that I made, when I think about all the different kinds of situations that I put myself in between the ages of 16 and 26, all the different places that I put myself in, all the different situations where I should have gone to jail, I should have gone to prison, um, places with strong strange people just to get high, and drugs that I did that would encap, you know, that I couldn't move. I could I was wide awake, like I took pills that would completely numb my body, and I was wide awake. But if someone had tried to attack me, I couldn't have defended myself. I was incapacitated. And when I think about that, I never thought I would live past 30. I mean, like, why would God allow me to live past 30? But now I think about it, and you know, God knew something. He knew he definitely knew something I didn't know. But I didn't see 50, I didn't see 30, but God did. I didn't see a husband, but God did. I didn't see a podcast telling my story, talking about where I came from, but God did. I didn't see myself helping other women or helping other addicts, but God did. I didn't see myself planning a women's conference or ever standing in front of people talking about my story, but God did. I never did seen walking out of my addiction and healing, but God did. In Psalms 139, 16, all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Think about that a minute. You can't imagine your future, but your inability to see a future doesn't mean that God don't have one for you. You know, just think about that a minute. You can't see what God has planned for you tomorrow or a year from now or five years from now. But God can. Jeremiah 29, 11, for I know the plans I have for you. And we've all heard that voice, we've all heard that verse, and we all are like, you know, God's plan, God's plan. But I don't want to present this verse as a promise of an easy life. But just because God had plans for me doesn't mean that I didn't make choices that made it harder for myself. It doesn't mean that today, even though my life is simpler and my life is less chaotic, it doesn't mean that I don't still have moments of doubt or that I don't have moments of sadness or moments of feeling lost or feeling confused. Uh it's not it doesn't mean I don't have moments I don't feel loved. It just means those moments don't last as long as they used to. The promise was that pain wouldn't have the final word. So moving past the drugs into the next phase of life for me. At 27, I stopped getting high, and I've told the story. God gave me one of the greatest gifts of my life. He gave me my son Dylan. And honestly, I never believed that I deserved him. The whole nine months that I carried him, the first two years of his life, I never believed that God should have given me given him to me. I believed that he deserved better, better than who I was, and better than what I was. So that no one can boast. I didn't earn Dylan, I didn't earn sobriety, I didn't earn God's love, I didn't earn another chance. That's what makes grace grace. That's what grace is. When Dylan was born, he was well taken care of physically. He was bathed, he was fed, he was, you know, he was given clothes and toys and all the things he needed to grow. But we didn't bond, and we've talked about this on other episodes. I didn't bond with him like a mother and a child should because I didn't feel worthy of him. And it didn't being a mother didn't instantly heal me inside, it didn't fix all the brokenness. Having a child didn't fix who I was or where I came from, it didn't fix the sadness that I had it just gave me a reason to move on. So when I found out I was pregnant on July 19th of 2003, that was the last day that I got high. Um wasn't the last thing that I did anything that has to do with addiction. It was just the last time that I did meth. After he was born, you know, I smoked a little pot, went to the bars a lot and drank a lot of alcohol. Um, but I was doing the right thing, right? Because I was there, I went to work during the day and I came home and I put him to bed at night, and then I went out. So, and then I was back home before he got up the next morning. Was I intentional with him in the mornings? No, I fed him, I changed his diapers, I did what I'm I did what I was supposed to, but I was too self-absorbed to realize the gift that God had given me. But when I stopped getting high, I didn't heal quickly, I didn't heal overnight. Healing took years. That is the difference between stopping a behavior and healing what was underneath the behavior. I still had to figure out how to forgive myself, I still had to understand what grace was, I still had to surrender to God, I still had to learn who Jesus actually was for me. I still had to allow God into places that I had buried for years. The journey carried me through into my 30s. You know, Philippians 1:6 says, He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ. God didn't give up on me because healing took longer than what I thought it should have. Sanctifation came. And I had to Google this, right? I had to look up what sanctification was, I didn't know. It says salvation is when Jesus saves you, and sanctification is the lifelong process of Jesus changing you. Getting clean changed my behavior. Sanctification started changing my heart. When you when you ask God to come into your heart and you and you get that first jilt of Jesus, that first moment of knowing He loves you. It happens in a moment. It happens in a moment, and you do start to see things differently, you do start to see the world differently, but that's not what transforms you because transformation is a journey. God healed some things immediately. He did, and other things, he has walked with me layer by layer, piece by piece, self-doubt by self-doubt. My own shame and my own guilt. It took layers, it took time. It took different situations. That's why I can encourage someone listening who thinks I've been following Jesus. Who why do I still struggle with this? Because healing takes time. Healing taking time doesn't mean God isn't working. It just means you need a little extra help. Um, let's talk about the minute or the moment in my life where things really started to change directions. So by now I'm in my 30s. I'm probably, and I and I don't know exactly how old I was. But Dylan was born at uh 27. He was born that February, and I turned 28 that August. And I married my husband this October will be 11 years ago, and we dated a year before that. So that makes me 38 when me and him got together. So I was probably 35, maybe 36, you know, and I've been clean, I've been clean almost 10 years, um, but something was still missing. And I had this in my head that Dylan needed a father, and I needed a husband, and that that would make me whole. That would help me get past my past, right? And um I started dating a nice guy, and he had kids, and he was good to his kids, and you know, he took right up with Dylan, and he was good with Dylan, and and and he was good to me, and I still didn't understand what good meant, and I still didn't understand what love truly was. But he proposed and I said yes, and we were gonna get married, and um I couldn't, I couldn't, and I was sitting in the in my car one afternoon and I was crying and I was just so upset, and it wasn't about really anything other than God was just dealing with me, He was dealing with me. I'd I'd started going to church and I was trying to figure things out and and then I heard Jesus say, Your son doesn't need a father, and you don't need a husband because I am both to you. Thank God let me read that again. I heard God say, your son doesn't need a father, and you don't need a husband because I am both to you. And in that moment, in that moment, it was like a light bulb went off above my head, and I felt like a thousand pounds had been lifted off of my shoulders, off my heart, and I sat there and I just cried, not in sadness, not in confusion, but just in worship, and that was the first time I had felt God or heard God in so long that it was the greatest moment of grace in my life, so it wasn't Jesus telling me to get married, and it wasn't Jesus telling me that an earthly father doesn't matter, it was just me Jesus meeting me in the place where I was at the moment, in the place where I believed another human being was necessary to make me whole and to make my son whole. And Jesus was saying, Stop searching for someone else to fill the place that belongs to me. And when I realized that that place belonged to Jesus, my whole world changed. The way I woke up every morning changed, the way I spent my days changed, the way I went to bed at night changed, the gratefulness of Dylan being in my life changed. Dylan went from being the one that brought me out to the one that just gave me a the reason to hope in Jesus again. In Psalm 68, 5, a father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. And in Isaiah 54 5, it says, You for your maker is your husband, the Lord Almighty is his name, and that became a turning point for me. Not because every problem disappeared, and not because I finally understood, but Jesus was enough, and when Jesus Became enough, I stopped needing other people to complete what only he could complete. Just think about that a minute. When Jesus became enough, I stopped needing another person to become what only Jesus could become for me. And then in the story, in this in the story, this is where life comes full circle. I learned that Jesus was enough. His goodness, God brought a husband into my life that truly loved me for me. And loved me for who I am today and who I was then. I wasn't perfect. I was still broken. I still had lots of issues. And it was hard. But you know, my husband didn't care about my past. He'd heard the stories, he had heard the rumors, he knew I was an ex-drug addict. He knew that I liked to go party and that I was I like to go drinking, but he also had seen something change in me. From the moment that I realized Jesus was enough until the moment my husband asked me out on our first date. He had seen a difference in me, a difference in the kind of person I was. I didn't hate the world. I didn't hate getting up every day. I didn't life seemed different. The world seemed brighter, the sun seemed brighter, the flowers smelled better. Everything had changed. And he's seen it. And this the most beautiful thing out of all of this is I didn't need a husband to rescue me. Because Jesus had already rescued me. So when he gave me my husband, my husband was a blessing. He wasn't a savior. He wasn't a love that I was searching for. He wasn't something that was going to make me better. He wasn't something that was going to make me whole. Because Jesus had already done that. And I want to talk about where I am today. And I don't want to talk about all the things that I have, which are great. And they are wonderful. And it's okay that I am grateful for the things that He's given me. But the greatest blessing isn't the stuff. The greatest blessing is knowing who gave me the life that I once couldn't imagine having. How many more billions they could make if they would just open on Sundays. I have things. I have an amazing marriage. Do we fight? Yes. Does he make me cranky? Yes. Do I make him cranky? Of course. We live together. But I have a marriage and a man who loves me for who I am. I have a wonderful career. I have beautiful opportunities every day to talk about the grace of God and to give my testimony. I have the opportunity to be thankful for everything. But I don't want to worship the gifts. And I don't worship the gifts. I worship the giver. I worship the one that gave it to me, that has given me everything. My house, my fortune, my things, my assets, my whatever you want to call it belongs to Jesus. And we pray over our we pray over our house every day. Growing up in an old Southern Baptist church, I don't think I knew what generational curses was when I was going to church as a child. And then when my father fell from grace, I definitely didn't know what generational curses was. And watching my sister and her husband and her family break the addiction curse, generational curse, was different. Yeah, I fell right into it. So I did a podcast with my dad last year, and we talked about those curses and those generational curses and what it means. Patterns don't have to continue simply because that's what life is familiar. Abuse doesn't have to continue. Drug use doesn't have to continue. Beating your children or not having your children, not raising your children, not believing that God will provide for you doesn't have to be. Patterns don't have to continue. Addiction doesn't have to get the final word. Broken relationships don't have to get the final word. Shame, fear, none of that has to get the final word. Just Jesus does. That's it. 2 Corinthians 5.17. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here. Read that again. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here. You know, in John 8 36, so if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. The generational curses has always been about Jesus setting me free. It's always been about him standing beside me when I didn't know he was there. It's always been about him putting his hand on my shoulder when I needed protection. It's always been about him whispering in my ear, even when I didn't listen. He continued to be there and he waited patiently on me, on me, to ask him to help me. He waited patiently on me to ask for forgiveness, and he has helped me walk through breaking our generational curses in our family, breaking all the loss and the shame and the unforgiveness that we have had. Now let's talk about today, I guess. Um, I once struggled to even forgive myself for the story that I have today. And how God uses that story to help other people, He uses that story as a story of redemption. The things that once I wanted to hide and I didn't want to be a part of who I was has now become my biggest part of my ministry. Through the podcast, through conversations with different people, through leadership, and now with a women's conference coming in September, God has given me so many opportunities to share, to tell my story, to say, let me tell you what Jesus did for me. Let me say that again. And that can be your story too. Let Jesus give you the strength to tell your story of what Jesus did for you and what he's doing for you today, and what you see because Jesus has told you of your future. In Revelations 12, 11, the triumph over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony. You don't make the testimony. Look what the grace of God has done. You know, this has never been about wishing I could change my past. The podcasts, the sharing of stories, the telling of my addiction. None of that has ever been about wishing I could change. Because I truly believe I wouldn't be the person I am today if I haven't been through the things that I'd been through. Were 90% of those my decision? Yes. Were they the choices that I made that put me in those situations? Yes. I could have said no the first time somebody offered me drugs. I could have stayed home with my mama, I could have chosen different kinds of men, I could have done all those things, but I didn't. And that's not who I am, and that's not who I was, and that's not the story that I have. God give me this question, and I've thought about it hard this morning. If 50-year-old Shannon could sit beside the young woman who didn't want to live past 30, what would she want her to know? You know, I don't know. I'd want her to know that God loves her for who she is and for where she is, and that someday a light bulb is gonna go off. And the walls of stone that is built around your heart is going to really feel a love that took you many years to understand. That took you many trials and tribulations, many situations that could have been different, many heartbreaks that can be different. He loves you and he will get you through it. Because Jesus is going to meet you where you are. I'm gonna tell her that she's gonna become a mother, even though the doctor tells her at 18 she'll never be a mother. I'm gonna tell her that she really does learn what love looks like, and that she is loved by Jesus. I'm gonna tell her that it's gonna be okay. She is gonna laugh and she is gonna find her joy. I'm going to tell her that I know she can't imagine what peace is like, but that it's coming. And one day you're going to tell the very story you're ashamed of. And somebody else is going to find hope because you finally learn to share. And one day you're going to be grateful that you lived past your 30s. Maybe you're listening and you're 27. Maybe you're 37. Maybe you're 50, or maybe you're 70. Maybe you're standing in a season you never thought you'd survive. Don't decide the ending while God is still writing the story. You don't know what God can do with the next chapter. You don't know who you're going to become. And you don't know whose life your testimony is going to touch. And you don't know what God is preparing that you can't see yet. Your current chapter is not permission to write the end. Give Jesus the pen and let him finish writing your story. Give Jesus the pen and let him write the next chapter. Give Jesus the pen and let him write the next next page. It starts with the first page and then it becomes a chapter. And then it becomes a story. And then it becomes something that you tell or something that you read. So this week I'm turning 50. And I'm not looking backwards, wishing I could go back. I'm not looking around and saying, I wish I could change things. I don't look back and regret the things of my past. I'm looking around and I want to say thank you, Jesus. Thank you for 27. Thank you for Dylan. Thank you for not leaving me when I couldn't forgive myself. Thank you for pursuing me when I knew about you, but wasn't truly seeking you. Thank you for speaking to me and giving me the ears to hear. Thank you for becoming everything I thought I needed someone else to be. Thank you for giving me that peace. Thank you for my husband and for my family and for the provisions that you give us every day. Lord Jesus, thank you for the podcast and for every woman you have allowed my story to reach. And thank you for every scar that now reminds me that wounds can heal. But most of all, today, thank you that I got to see 50. Thank you that I got to live the life that I've lived, that I have gotten to see your amazing grace day after day. Chapter after chapter. Page after page. And that's enough for me. Dear Lord Jesus, I don't even know how to thank you for this past 50 years. There was a time when I couldn't imagine being here. There was a time when I didn't want to be here, but you knew I was going to be sitting here today. And you knew I'd be telling this story. You saw the woman I couldn't see. You saw a mother when I saw someone undeserving. You saw freedom when I saw addiction. You saw healing when I carried shame. And you saw purpose when I couldn't see beyond my pain. You saw a wife, a leader, and a very strong testimony. But mostly and most importantly, you saw your daughter. Jesus, every good thing in my life belongs to you. I thank you for Dylan, my husband, my family, and every blessing that you have ever given us or ever showed us. I thank you for the doors you've opened, and I even thank you for the doors you've closed. I thank you for every prayer you have answered, whether it was the way I wanted it to be or not. I thank you for every season when you protected me without me even realizing it or realizing I needed protection. I thank you for pursuing me until I finally understood that what I had been searching for all those times was you. Lord, I pray for the person listening who can't see their 50s yet. Maybe they can't even see tomorrow. Remind them that their story isn't finished. Meet them where they are. I pray, Lord Jesus, that you find a way to start to break their chains, heal their wounds, and restore hope in them. Teach them to forgive themselves after you have forgiven them. Show them that freedom is possible, and let my life never become a story about what I've accomplished. Let it always be a testimony of what Jesus Christ has done for me. If you give me another day, let me use it for you. If you choose to give me another year, let me choose to give it to you. If you choose to give another 50, let every one of them point somebody back to you. Lord Jesus, I give you all the glory, all the honor, and all the praise. And in your mighty name, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Amen. You know, I didn't want I didn't want to live past 30. And this week I turned 50. And if you ask me how I got here, I only have one answer. Jesus. The name of Jesus, the only name that matters. It wasn't by luck, and definitely wasn't by my own strength. And it wasn't because I did everything right, because I am far from perfect. I am far from still making the best choices. But grace got me here, and grace can get you here too. And whatever comes next, I'm trusting the same Jesus who carried me this far to carry me into my next chapter. Remember, if you enjoyed this episode, to share it. Share it with someone that needs to hear it, Lord Jesus. Share it with someone who needs to learn from this, Lord Jesus, and give them the strength. If you like it, please like it, share it for someone you think needs to hear it. And remember, God loves you, and so do we. Keep praying and keep looking for grace.