“Breaking Free from Codependency: God First, Not People”

In this episode of Unrelated Sisters: Truth & Grace Conversation, Shannon and Deb dive into what the Bible says about codependency and how to recognize it in our relationships. Codependency often looks like putting people’s approval, happiness, or needs above God—but Scripture shows us a better way.

Together, we walk through five biblical truths:

1. God First, Not People – Matthew 22:37–39; Galatians 1:10
2. Healthy Boundaries – Proverbs 4:23; Galatians 6:2, 5
3. Idolatry of Relationships – Jeremiah 17:5–8
4. Freedom in Christ – John 8:36; 2 Corinthians 3:17
5. Love vs. Enabling – 1 Corinthians 13:4–6; Ephesians 4:15

Through Scripture, real talk, and encouragement, we uncover how God calls us to love deeply—but not to lose ourselves in people. True biblical love is rooted in Christ, expressed in healthy boundaries, and keeps Him at the center.

✨ Closing Prayer:
“Father, thank You for Your perfect love that sets us free. Teach us to love others without losing ourselves, to guard our hearts with wisdom, and to put You above all else. Break unhealthy patterns of fear, guilt, or control, and lead us into relationships that reflect Your truth and freedom. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Dear Lord Jesus, we thank you again for giving us this opportunity for me and Deb to sit and talk about something that has been on our mind and on our hearts. Lord Jesus, we hope that the audience, the people that listen to us, this is something that they're needing to hear. If it's something that someone knows, someone that needs to hear this, Lord Jesus, please give them the strength to share it with them. Lord Jesus, we just praise you and we give you all the glory and we thank you for everything that you have done for us and everything Amen. Amen. I think this topic, whether you realize it or not, has touched every male or female in the world at one time or another. And we're going to talk about codependency today.

SPEAKER_02: 1:13

Yes. So if you don't know what codependency is, I will give you the definition. It's a behavioral condition where a person excessively relies on others for emotional or psychological validation, often sacrificing their own needs and well-being. Emotional signs include fear of abandonment, chronic guilt, low self-esteem, and an overwhelming need for approval or control. Physical signs may manifest as chronic stress, exhaustion, or burnout from continual self-sacrifice and neglecting personal care. You know, I was thinking about the other day what we would talk about and, you know, codependency is something that I've struggled with for many years and didn't even realize it. And I think you talked about how you didn't even realize until you started studying that you is also as well, and I think a lot of times, even people that, I know for me, being in abusive relationships, I was in so many abusive relationships, and nobody could ever understand, like, why are you staying? Like, why are you staying with these people that are beating on you? And then when I got to free from this, you know, and really got down and found out I had a problem with co-defendancy, I went through a class on co-defendancy before, and one of my counselors actually, when I was in rehab had me do a whole thing on codependency. She's like, you're a codependent. Like, you think you have to be with somebody. You have to fix them. You're their savior. You're their, you know, and you seek validation from them. You think you have to, and because I would go from relationship to relationship, sometimes God's brought whatever, you know what I mean, just to have somebody there with me because I didn't want to, I guess, sit in my mess or get free maybe, so to speak. And it's so difficult. But, you know, really, even when you get free from addiction and doing drugs, I would still go to bed, even with my husband. Like, I put him before God. I put Kevin first. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? And didn't even really realize it for a long time until God really started showing me some things. And, you know, because I'm trying to fix him, trying to do all the things that only God can do. You know, have you ever felt like that?

SPEAKER_00: 3:29

Well, you know, codependency is often described as a relationship addiction. Literally. Literally. Right. You know, and I think back, you know, when I was in high school, I didn't have boyfriends. I didn't date. You know, I didn't do all the things or whatever. And then when I started doing it, when I started getting high, all these men and all these guys, all these people were around, you know, and I... Thank you. fell in love well more probably but I fell in love with one and at the age of 16 and you know and for many years he was my one true love I knew we were meant to be together I knew that no matter what happened we were going to eventually be together I just knew it like I obsessed over it I knew in my brain it was going to be that way you know and you know and I took a lot of crap from him I I took a lot of crap from him. We would date, and then we would break up, and then we would date, and then we would break up. When he was done getting what he needed, he would move on. And then when he was at his lowest, he would come back because he knew Shannon would take care of him. He slept with my best friend and got her pregnant, had a kid with her. I took him back. I took him back a year later. I did. He got in trouble. He got in trouble with the police. and was going to have to go to prison for a long time. Shannon took care of him. Shannon sent him money. Shannon did all the things. And as soon as he got out, he was somewhere else. But he always knew that when he was at his lowest, he could come and I would take care of him. And we did this for years. I mean, years. And then when I got out of addiction and Dylan was born, Dylan was three or four years old, I guess. And he came back and I was still trying to figure out who I was. Right. I was still I hadn't found my faith. I was still wallowing in my in my self-pity. I was still trying to figure out where I was at. And he came back and we started dating and he was good to deal in. And I thought, see, I knew I knew I knew, you know, I knew, you know, and and then a friend asked me to go to church and I went and And that's when my journey started on figuring out who I loved, right, or who I needed to love or where I needed him, you know, one day. And me and him were still together. I got up every Sunday and left him in the bed and went to church, me and Dylan did, you know. And we would get home and he would get up and he would, you know, play with Dylan out in the yard. You know, they'd ride bikes together and they'd play on the slip and slide and they would do all the things, you know. Shannon worked 40 plus hours a week to support us you know and he tried to work but he'd been in trouble so much it was hard to keep a job it was hard to find a job when you're a felon it's hard to yeah you know and um you know and he had child support because you know he had four kids that were not mine uh you know and he had all the things and stuff and i didn't care like i really didn't care i just i i I just knew somewhere inside of me, I knew he was the one that I was supposed to be with. And I don't really know why. And I don't know if it's because he was the first guy that I ever truly loved, because he wasn't the first guy that I had sex with. But he was the first guy that was nice to me, right? When I was in my abusive relationship, one of them, he came and pulled me out, got in a fight with that guy and took me home, like refused to let me stay there. And I'm like, I don't know who you think you are. And this was right after he had had a baby with my best friend. But as I woke up one day and I went to church and I'd come home and I asked him to go. And he said, okay. Well, that next Sunday he didn't get up and go. So I asked him again the next week and he didn't get up and go the next week. And I was coming home one day from work and God said, you don't need a man. And I was like, but Dylan needs a father. And he goes, Dylan has a father. And I heard these words as plain as day. And I had to, I bawled so hard I had to pull over on the side of the road. And I was like, but and he's like there's no but Shannon there's no but you know I'm right there's no but and so I messed around for a couple weeks and finally I was like look dude you gotta go home to your mama like I'm done I can't I'm done and he was I had never done him that way right it had always been on his choice his options his whatever he didn't know what to do like he was just like devastated like he was like I know he's like do you just need I'm like no like I'm done Like, I'm done. Like, I've got to, God's got to lead this life. God has got to take care of me and Dylan. And, you know, and he kind of laughed about it, right? Because he had never been religious. He had never been to church. He didn't understand those things. And I was like, no, I was like, you just got to go home. Like, you got to go to your mama's. So I packed him up and I took him to his mama's and I dropped him off, you know, and he called and called and called. And, you know, and I kept saying, you want to go to church? You know, and it I just kept asking him, you want to go to church? And finally, he was like, he just quit calling. But I realized that at that moment that my codependency, even though I didn't know that's what it was called until we started the study, that he was probably my biggest. And I'm not talking about one or two years. I'm talking about... 12 or 13, maybe 15 years of going through this with him, back and forth, back and forth. And I was just, you know, and I wonder about him sometimes today, you know. But, I mean, something will happen or something, I'll see somebody and I'll be like, I wonder how he's doing. You know, I don't know.

SPEAKER_02: 10:00

Yeah, I think a lot of people are going to realize that they were codependent. I know for me, one of the reasons I stayed in abusive relationships and stayed, I feel like, in relationships was fear of abandonment. Like, I... I was okay with leaving people on my terms, but like you're saying, if it was on their terms, it was just, you know. It devastated me. And then you put yourself out there and you do things that you would never do because of that fear of being alone. And, yeah. And another one, low self-esteem. So where did I do it? I felt my worth in doing the things that make them stay or make, you know, you know,

SPEAKER_00: 10:45

Well, and you know, it made me wonder when I was reading this, like I wasn't raised that way. It's not like, it's not like, and you more than me, because at least my parents got divorced. So I had a reason. I had a little bit of a reason to have abandonment issues, I guess. You know, we were talking about this before, you know, like how my daddy would do us when we would go visit him and stuff. And, but I, people would like my daddy asked me after I got out of the first abusive relationship and that wasn't the only one but I you know I was 19 and after I got out of that one you know my dad's like you wasn't raised that way like you were raised better than this you know not to let a man hit you you know and the first time he hit me it was like oh my god I can't believe you did that and I left right but then but then he was so sorry and so and he didn't hit me for a long time after that you know well I ain't gonna say a long time but for a month a few months after that or whatever but in that whole time the emotional abuse the taking of my self-worth the giving of my self-worth to him you know And you don't realize that's happening when you're in the middle of it. You know, I had friends, you know, and he slowly took them away. And then, you know, and then he slowly started taking away from my family. And then, you know, he finally got me away. And then, you know, and then it was fear, you know, and, you know, because and this day was crazy. Like, I don't know how I survived him. But he truly had me believe in that if I left him, he would kill my mama, you know, and my sister. And my sister was still in high school at the time. And I truly believed he was crazy enough to do it. With every bone and fiber in my body, I knew this man was crazy enough to do it.

SPEAKER_02: 12:38

Honey, I used to plan his death. I used to. I used to. Oh,

SPEAKER_00: 12:56

I'd plan his death. I would literally, like, I Googled a pig farm. I knew exactly where I was going to take him. I was going to put him in a wood chipper and chip him up and then go and spread it, what was left of it, in the pig farm. Like, I literally planned this dude's death. But he slept with a knife under the pillow and a gun under the mattress. And do you know how I got away? He went to jail. Yeah. He whooped my tail in his mother's front yard and she called the police on him. And when I mean he whooped my tail, he broke my nose, blacked both my eyes, cracked three ribs. I don't know how I survived that night. I really don't. I didn't think he was going to stop. And he went to jail. And when he went to jail, I made a phone call. And the one person that had always... tried to be there for me. She took her kid to her mom's and she drove all the way to Cleveland, Tennessee and come and got me that night at like 3 in the morning.

SPEAKER_02: 14:03

Well, I was like, I can finally get away.

SPEAKER_00: 14:19

Well, he got out because of course I refused to press charges Right. And in Tennessee, if you don't press charges, then they drop it. was there and that was the night he whipped his tail and he went to jail that night and because of the black eye that he'd given me that night Whitfield County pressed charges and I didn't have to even though I eventually did go and testify and I eventually did go to counseling and I eventually did go through all of that but it didn't stop me from going back to another it didn't stop I don't know It didn't stop. And it, you know, and it's the emotional abuse that I couldn't get over. Like the physical abuse you heal from, right? It's the emotional part of it that...

SPEAKER_02: 15:35

Them

SPEAKER_00: 15:39

words hurt, right? They linger. They hang on.

SPEAKER_02: 15:43

We didn't know Jesus and we didn't know that our relationship was supposed to be number one. Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 15:49

Yes. Oh yeah, for sure. You know,

SPEAKER_02: 15:53

I tried to fix him. Of course. When we talked about this. Yeah. Because even though he was doing way better than he was, I still felt like... And I felt the need to be there and to be... I felt like I had to be with him all the time. And it wasn't even, maybe I was semi-jealous a little bit, but I had a lot of stuff that I would come. But it was really, it was more of a code of tendency. I felt like he needed me.

SPEAKER_00: 16:23

All the time.

SPEAKER_02: 16:23

You know what I mean? And it wasn't, like, I wouldn't even come out and do stuff separate. Like, to go do something by myself? Like, no. You know what I mean? Like, it was

SPEAKER_00: 16:34

crazy. There's so many women like that, though. I

SPEAKER_02: 16:37

love it.

SPEAKER_00: 16:39

Yeah. You know, and

SPEAKER_02: 16:40

Oh, yeah. Oh,

SPEAKER_00: 16:43

yeah. Because people laugh. People are like, they laugh at me. Like, I take a vacation without my husband every year. Yeah. I take my mama and her sister and my cousins. We all go somewhere every year without my husband. And he's okay with that. Right. He goes and plays golf. Once a week, usually. I don't go with him every time. I don't want to go sit out there. He goes hunting. He'll go stay three or four days a week. But everybody's like, y'all don't do things together. Yeah, we do things together. But I don't have to do the things that I don't enjoy. And he doesn't have to do the things he doesn't enjoy. Some girlfriends from work, we go watch musicals, live shows. He hates that. He went a couple times to watch my kid when he was in them because it was my kid. But he was so miserable every time he had to go. You know, when we first started dating, I took him to a concert. I should have took him to a smaller concert for his very first concert, but I didn't. I took him. I went all out. We went Garth Brooks, fourth row from the stage. I mean, we were right there in the midst of it all. And I he's never wanted to go back to another one at all ever again

SPEAKER_02: 18:11

you

SPEAKER_00: 18:13

know but it's it's it's crazy when you finally realize that you have to put God first right so in Matthew 22 37 39 Jesus said the greatest commandment is to love God first and then love others codependency often flips this making others persons approval happiness or needs more important than God you know and I think it starts for women when they're little girls and they want that approval of their daddy you know my daddy hung the moon and the stars like he did no wrong he he was he was and when he did wrong and when he did fall apart and when he did it devastated me emotionally I feel like you you know, but it should have never been dependent on him. Even as a little girl, we need to teach our young women, our young girls to find God first, you know, and we don't, we don't do that as a society. And sometimes I think that's where we, you know, that's where the chain gets broken because, you know, I don't know about you, but you know, my daddy was, he was, he was that, you know, and, and, uh, I feel like, and I was in church. I thought he was a preacher. But

SPEAKER_02: 19:40

we put him up before God. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 19:45

And that's a lot on them.

SPEAKER_02: 19:47

It is because we've been, yeah, I'm glad you said that because I had Kevin up here instead of God when it should have been. Right. And so I had these expectations and these things that I put on him that, well, he can't do what God can do. Right. Only God can do what God can do. And here I was putting Kevin before God. And so that's a whole strain on our marriage. Right. And it wasn't until I flipped it and the guy helped me flip it and put him first and then everything else started like, let Kevin be Kevin. Yeah. You know what I mean? Instead of making him on this, putting him on this pedestal that he shouldn't have been on.

SPEAKER_00: 20:23

Right. You know what I mean? You know, and I find myself sometimes We're on different levels. Oh, for sure. You know, me and my husband, as far as our faith goes and as far as our relationship with God and our path with God, we're on different levels, right? He's not ever going to stand up in front of a crowd and preach. He's just not, you know. But he worships. He worships in his own way. You know, he reads his Bible in his own way. He does his own thing. And I caught myself a couple weeks ago, and this is so funny that this has all come around. it blows my mind how everything with us comes first full circle but i was talking to the other day and i was like you know we need to we need to be doing this and he goes that's your thing and i was like excuse you like we need to do this together he's like no that's your thing and i'm like i kind of roll my eyes you know because he's right you know that's not his way that's not how he that's not his relationship with god and that's not how he does it you know um And sometimes I want Him to do it with me the same way I do it, right? And we do. Like, we'll throw on the music up top, you know, and have our moments with God in the house with our music and our worship and stuff like that. But when it comes to digging into the Word and digging into that relationship with God, we do it completely different. You know, He does it standing at the lake, at the pond,

SPEAKER_01: 21:55

fishing,

SPEAKER_00: 21:57

you know, and I do it standing in shower or in the car or whatever. But, you know, it's just...

SPEAKER_02: 22:29

helping me with those things. I've come a pretty long way. That comes in with set healthy boundaries. Proverbs 4.23 says, Above all else, guard your heart for everything you do flows from it. Guarding your heart means setting limits so others don't control or define your worth. I always felt like my worth comes from a man or even money. There are a lot of things that we can place to define us

SPEAKER_00: 23:00

oh yeah

SPEAKER_02: 23:02

and it's not

SPEAKER_00: 23:03

no

SPEAKER_02: 23:03

only God can define our world

SPEAKER_00: 23:05

yeah and you know you have to find healthy boundaries

SPEAKER_02: 23:09

and because when we we're codependent and this person falls you know we think we have these expectations on them and we're codependent we're relying strictly relying strictly on them and they can't meet up to the expectations that God that only God can do so when they fall or can't meet you know be what you want them to be, then what happens to us?

SPEAKER_00: 23:32

It just takes us down further.

SPEAKER_02: 23:34

Exactly. So that's why we have to get away from that and find our worth in

SPEAKER_00: 23:39

the Lord. You know, so that brings us to the next point, idolatry in relationships. You know, Jeremiah 17, 5, 8, it says, Cursed is the one who trusts us in man, but blessed is the one who trusts us in the Lord. So, you know, as a codependent, your trust your worth your everything like your everything is dependent on that person and when they fall from their pedestal and they're going to fall from their pedestal because they're human it crushes you it emotionally scars you it puts you back to where you started looking for somebody else to be codependent

SPEAKER_02: 24:22

with guess what I did I started I grieved a person that wasn't even dead yes and it was horrible like that's to work when they fall and they don't meet up and things happen. You literally grieve. You grieve them and they're alive. And that's the work. I don't know. I feel like I grieved to some deaths before, but grieving a live person is horrible. Somebody that you can see.

SPEAKER_00: 24:45

Yes. Yes. But you know what? Not just our relationships and not just us being codependent, but what about these people that go to these churches and they idolize these preachers and they put them up on these pedestals and then they one day they realize this preacher is a human and he's not this he's not this person on this pedestal that's what destroys churches right we idolize these people we idolize you know and that's a lot of pressure to put on one human being so us idolizing one person could you imagine being a pastor of a church of a congregation and and it all all eyes on you like codependency all Amen. Amen. Amen. When I married my husband, one of the things I told him, because I was still dealing with a lot of issues, is I feel... Okay, so we talked about Proverbs 31 and being submissive to our husbands. And a lot of people are like, oh, that's just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But being submissive to my husband, and I'm very submissive to my husband now, but it's because God has given me the security and has given me the identity of peace that I've been looking for my whole life. And I do it out of honor for God. I don't do it because I don't do it, you know, and don't get me wrong. If I have an opinion, my opinion comes out, right? But being submissive to him, to me, doesn't mean that I bow at his feet, right? It means that today, you see what he was doing when you come up. He's out there putting rock in because I've decided mulch is just ugly and And he's been working on that all week on his vacation. And that's hard. And it's hot. And it's busy. And so he's like, can you just hand me my food? I mean, he didn't even make me cook lunch, right? I ran out to Zaxby's and got it. So yeah, I took it to him. That's me being submissive, right? It's not that. And I laughed at him. I gave him a hard time. I'm like, you just walked by it, dude. But that's what he said. He goes, I'm tired. I was like, OK. so I know right it does look good so but you know when you when you have codependency you have to find your freedom in Christ and you the only way to find your freedom in Christ is to submit to Christ right and that is the that is so hard and I don't know why it's hard because once you do it it's the greatest thing you've ever done but everybody wants to find it everybody wants to argue it everybody wants to kind of do it everybody wants to well i'll submit this to you but i want to keep this right and i'm just here to tell you that his true grace that you find when you submit to him is the greatest joy you will ever find in your life you know and you know john 8 36 says so if the son sets you free you will be free indeed god wants us to be free from controlling or being controlled by anyone because when he sets you free he sets you free like I don't I don't know how to say this I don't feel like if I mess up I'm going to be scorned right I'm human I mess up I say things I do things I roll my eyes I'm very opinionated sometimes it's not the right opinion And sometimes I don't think before I speak. But I don't feel like just because he has set me free that I owe it all to him. That's not what I'm trying to say. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't feel like... I'm being controlled by Him. Right? I feel like I have the free will to do something stupid because I still do something stupid sometimes. You know, I don't feel like, I feel like He truly loves me in freedom. If that makes sense.

SPEAKER_02: 29:12

For sure, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 29:13

So.

SPEAKER_02: 29:15

Love verse is enabling. 1 Corinthians 13, 4-6 says, I love this. Love is patient and kind, but it also does not rejoice in wrongdoing. Biblical love doesn't in it tells the truth in love it

SPEAKER_00: 29:34

does and that is the one thing that coming out of an abusive relationship that I had to learn you know Love is not fear. Love is not hurt. If they are hurting you emotionally, physically, in any way, and they don't seem to care about it, you know, sometimes people say things that hurt your feelings. But if you tell them that it hurts your feelings, and there's no emotion there, get away. Run. Run. Pack your stuff and run. You know, physically. And I know you think there's nowhere to go. and that you only deserve what they give you. But that's not true. That is the enemy 100% not true. That is the enemy telling you that. That is the enemy putting that in your head, in your heart. There's help. There's help. And find it. Get out. If you, you know, if nothing else, if you can't do anything else, email us where you're at. We'll find somebody to help you. I'm

SPEAKER_02: 31:13

just praying I've got to help you to cut He will. He will. The Bible teaches us to love

SPEAKER_00: 31:43

God. I want y'all to listen to that. Yes.

SPEAKER_02: 32:12

Pray.

UNKNOWN: 32:40

Yeah.