Chains We Don't Talk About

A powerful, grace-filled conversation about the silent struggles, hidden shame, and private pain that many carry - but rarely speak about. This episode reminds listeners that freedom is possible, healing is real, and no chain is to heavy for God to break. 

Isaiah 61:1 "He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners." 

In this impactful episode, we open up about hidden chains that often go unspoken-emotional wounds, unforgiveness, fear, shame and guilt. Join us for this redemptive conversation on what it means to bring these secret battles into the light of Gods Truth.

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Transcript

Speaker 02: 0:00

So Lord, we come to you today and we just come to you with a grateful heart. God, and we just pray that As we do this episode on breaking chains, Lord, that are unspoken chains, that you would reveal the things in our life, Father God, that need to be eliminated, the things that we hide. God, just let your light eliminate those places, Lord, so we can heal. In Jesus' name, amen. Amen. Hey y'all, welcome back to Unrelated Sisters Truth and Grace Conversation. I'm Deb. And I'm Shannon.

Speaker 00: 0:51

And today, fam, we're getting real. Like, pull back the curtains, kind of real. Our episode is called Chains We Don't Talk About. Oh

Speaker 02: 1:00

yeah, these are the things that we small through, the pain, the pressure, even the private battles that nobody sees, but oh, they're there. The guilt, the fear, the stuff we try to bury underneath busyness and perfection.

Speaker 00: 1:12

Listen sis, whether it's anxiety, addiction, unforgiveness, comparison or shame, whatever it is, Jesus sees it all. And he didn't come to judge you. He came to set you free.

Speaker 02: 1:25

Oh, yeah. Our theme verse today comes from Isaiah 61.1. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners.

Speaker 00: 1:38

So if you've ever felt like you were silently suffocating under something you couldn't name or couldn't shake, this episode is for you. Let's go there together.

Speaker 02: 1:50

So let's start with this question. Have you ever carried a chain silently for so long that it just kind of felt normal?

Speaker 00: 2:01

I think so. I mean, when you sit down and you think about all the different kind of chains that we have carried,

Speaker 01: 2:07

and

Speaker 00: 2:08

the different masks that we all wore, the different things that we always did, and I did not realize that this was a chain that I had been carrying, but I'd been carrying it since I was a little girl. But... I always thought for my daddy to love me, I had to be perfect. When I was a young kid, if I spilt my milk or if I didn't pick up my toys or if I didn't do any of that, I was disciplined. My daddy was very, very strict, and we wasn't allowed to... you know, to watch TV and we wasn't allowed to do a lot of things that other kids in the world got to do. And I always thought it's because I had to be perfect. I had to be perfect for him. I had to be perfect for God. I had to be perfect for the church. Right. And I believe it led to a lot of the decisions and the choices that I made because when my father fell from grace, and when he did fall from grace, he fell flat on his face. It changed my whole world, and I never could understand what happened. I never really understood what happened because I had always tried and strived to be that perfect daughter and that perfect child, and when it all fell apart, I think I blamed God. I feel like I blamed God. But what I didn't understand is the older that I've gotten and the... life that I have figured out with my grace from God is that it's never been about perfection. It's never been about perfection for Him or about perfection for what I want or what I think I need. It's always just been about loving who I am and loving who I am in Him. But it took me 25 years to come to that conclusion. But I think we start a lot of our lives with things that as children we don't realize that we put ourselves in. And it starts at such a young age. And now with social media and everybody's life looking so perfect on the Internet all the time, our daughters have grown up in this society where you have to have the perfect body and you have to have the perfect this, you have to have the perfect that. And self-doubt and unworthiness is so rampant in our middle schools and in our younger women these days that it's... We ain't got 25 years to wait for them to realize that that's not what it should be.

Speaker 02: 4:50

Right. I think that was one of the things I struggled with a lot, too, was being perfect. You know, I was raised... My dad's a pastor, and we was raised in church, and so... Being a preacher's kid, you kind of had to be perfect, so to speak, in society's eyes. And so we looked at it. I mean, in my eyes, we kind of was, I guess you could say, growing up. If I look back, I feel like we was pretty perfect. But I think at a young age, I put these expectations on myself. that i couldn't fulfill as i got older and like you said you start making bad choices and because you think well i gotta be this and this and this and when you can't live up to those expectations for me i just went all out the other way

Speaker 00: 5:37

oh yeah there was never a a middle ground for me in my life and there was never a middle ground for my father so and i'm just like him which lord bless my soul um It's either we're way over here and it's all God 100% in life or we're way over here and it's the world and the devil 100%. There was never that medium in my life. It was either you are God or you're not. And there was never... Truth and grace in the middle, which is where God finds you. And that's not how I was raised in the church, and that's not how I was raised to believe in the church or to believe in God in that way. And until I started digging into... the Bible myself and into different religions and different things of different religions and things, it never did dawn on me how much God truly loved us and how much He gave up for us to be our Savior and to take care of us. But there's all kinds of different kinds of chains that women wear. We compare ourselves to the neighbor. We compare ourselves living up with the Joneses, right? I remember hearing that growing up. And we were never... able to live with the Joneses. We were pretty poor growing up. But, you know, you still seen those people that wore the nice clothes and had the nice cars. And, you know, you always thought that's what you wanted. And then even when you grow up and you get that, it still doesn't fix whatever it is that chain is wrapped around you for, whatever reason it's there.

Speaker 02: 7:24

Yeah, I think that shame is one of the biggest things and guilt. After I got over deciding I couldn't be perfect and I started making bad choices, then the shame and guilt kicked in. You were raised better than this, so that's another change. You're just getting bondage more and more from these different things in your life. The guilt was really, really hard for me. Then you start comparing yourself. Like you said, social media is... You know, you're definitely comparing yourself all the time. And you say you ain't, but in some way, shape, form, or fashion, I feel like everybody, low-key, compares herself to other people. You know what I mean? And so bondage is real. And you don't even know you're in bondage. You don't even know that that's, you know, oh, man, she looks good. I wish I looked like that. And then you start just like dwelling on those things. Right. You know what I mean? And then you're in bondage over it because then you're like, because you can't be like that. Well, I'm not willing to eat healthy. You know what I mean?

Speaker 01: 8:32

Right.

Speaker 02: 8:32

Doing like

Speaker 00: 8:32

that. Oh, yeah. I get it. 100%. I think that was the hardest thing, coming out of addiction, having my son, choosing my son over the life that I had been living and trying to just figure out who I was. The guilt. Yeah. was the hardest part for me. I remember the first day I stepped back into a church and, you know, church hurt is real. People don't all, don't all people agree with that, but church hurt is real. I remember the first day I stepped back into a church, a friend of me invited me to come and I stood there while everybody else was worshiping and I gripped the back of the chair that was in front of me to when I sat down, my fingerprints was in the chair and it was all the And the shame and the unworthiness and the, and the just all the bad choices that I'd made, you know, people say they see their life flash before their eyes. And I swear standing there in that church, every bad thing I'd ever done, every bad choice I'd ever made, every bad thought I'd ever had, everything. that the enemy wanted me to remember come flooding back, you know, and I felt like I was going to catch on fire and stand in there in that church. Like God is going to strike me dead today, uh, standing there in that church. And I remember, I'll never forget pastor Stan. He, uh, he stayed, he gets up on that pulpit and he, um, he, shakes his head and he says well if you've come here to worship a holy man you've come to the wrong place i did this this week and i did this this week and i had to ask for forgiveness for this and none of it was bad right like he got angry with the driver in front of him and you know and he had a bad thought about somebody or something but to him that was bad right but he was a preacher standing behind the pulpit saying he was human. And I think that was the start of the first chain link breaking in my chain of guilt because I thought, huh, I had never heard a preacher talk like that. They lived perfect. They had perfect lives and perfect wives and perfect families and perfect homes and just for him to be human. made a difference and i believe that was probably one of the starting points of me losing my chains you know i think a

Speaker 02: 11:06

lot of times when we do realize oh this is a chain in my life i'm in bondage and the lord reveals that and you get set free and you surrender you're like i'm free from that and you pick it back up i remember my dad telling me one time when you get free from those chains don't pick them back up and play with them And I was like, oh, yeah. So it made sense to me when he said that because I was guilty of that a lot of times. You know, God would, he's like, you know, I'm forgiving you. And then he's restored my relationship with my kids. And then, you know, and I'm having a good relationship with them. And then all of a sudden I'm driving down the road and this guilt kicks in. Like, I wish I could be a parent. Or what if I would be a parent to them like I'm a Gigi to my grandkids? And that thought come to my mind. And I immediately had to say, you know what? Lord, I thank you that I'm a good Gigi today. I might not have been a good mom, but I know my kids forgive me, and I know you forgive me. He's restored that relationship. But in that moment, had I not changed my thoughts, I could have easily got back in bondage with that.

Speaker 00: 12:13

Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. And I catch myself, and I have to do the same thing again. When my son was born, I was not in a healthy place mentally. And so when most moms bond with their babies, that was not me, right? He was fed. His diaper was changed. He was physically well taken care of. But mentally and emotionally, his Nana did that, right? His Nana did the emotional parts of his life, and she did it. while he grew up because I was not in a place until he was, I don't know, eight or nine years old to be there for him on that, on that level. So even to this day, when he has a emotional thing, he, he goes to his Nana. He, he, that's who he goes to when he wants a hug or he wants to lay and just cry his Nana, who he goes to. And he, still today that tears me up inside you know um we have over the last 10 years our relationship has definitely grown and we are closer now than we've ever been but there's still that part you know it's still that part but i can't blame anybody i can't blame him i can't blame miss nana all i can do is be thankful that she was there for him and that he has that You know, and that is definitely one of the things, you know, he called me the other day and he said, no, I wouldn't answer the phone. So I thought I'd call you. And I was like, you know, and yeah, that's all I can do. You know, and then when I'm done talking with him, I have to be like, okay. It's okay. It's okay. And even when you think you're over it, the devil knows, the enemy knows to throw it back at you. And he doesn't mean to do it. My son doesn't mean to do that. It's just how it is. But it's going to be okay. I try not to say I'm fine. That is the worst chain that women have in this world. It's fine. Everything's fine. It's fine. I'm fine. It's okay. It's good. It's fine. Yep. It's fine. It is not fine. If a woman is telling you it is fine, it is not fine. Something is going on. Whether it has to do with you or not, something is going on, right? So I try very hard not to use those words. I feel like they're very, very descriptive when they come from a woman. When you start saying, well, I'm fine. Everything's fine. It's either good or bad. It's either good or bad, right? So what is it? Don't tell me you're fine. You're lying. But I don't know. Sometimes we feel like we're suffocating, and we don't know why, and we don't know how. I can remember a time, you know, I've not always been great at listening to what God has to say. I'm very stubborn, and I like to try things my way first. And I feel like sometimes that that's a chain thing. Because I get this. My co-workers laugh at me, but the other day when we first started talking about this podcast, I was so excited. And I was at work and they're like, are you okay? I was like, no, there's a zebra sitting on my chest. And they're like, a zebra? I was like, yeah, it's not quite as heavy as an elephant, but it's lighter than a dog. And they're all like, what? I don't understand. And I'm like... this because you know i'm still fighting with god about doing this podcast you know i'm still like i don't know my husband's right you know i say i want to do things and i get all excited about it and then i decide i want to do it you know i've got 500 worth of cricket stuff upstairs you know i made t-shirts like eight times you know um And that's a chain. All chains don't have to be guilt or shame or comparison. It's whatever you say or someone says or whatever you feel that makes you feel like you are in bondage or makes you feel like you are lost or confused or makes you feel... You need something. That's what it is, right? Like you have this hole and nothing is fulfilling that hole. And that is where you are bondage.

Speaker 02: 17:00

And I know for me, like for a long time when I was in severe bondage, addiction and all of it, even when I come out of addiction, I was still in bondage with a lot of things, you know, especially the guilt and stuff. And I remember when I got saved for real, for real, This is the last time I say that. Four years ago, I remember going back to a meeting we were having. We were at a place called Hope. We were doing the Battle Pit of the Mind with Joyce Myers. And I had been cleaning most of the year. And I got back with my husband. He was in addiction. Did it my way. Ended up relapsing. Instead of waiting on God, standing separated and letting God pick, you know, fix the situation I thought I could fix it so I ended up relapsing was on a three month binge and surrendered back to God and it was so hard to walk back through them doors I remember I couldn't even raise my hands I felt so much I was so bound by guilt and stuff because I'm like what are they gonna and these were my friends that I worshipped with and stuff and I'm like what are they they're probably thinking yeah how long is this gonna last this time you know all the voices in me Oh, yeah. And I remember sitting there. Everybody was worshiping because they worship so freely. And like I said, I couldn't even raise my hands. And the Lord spoke to me. And he was like, who are you doing this for? Who are you worshiping to? And I was like, oh, this ain't even about nobody else but you, God. And so I began to raise my hand. And, you know, when you're bound, you're confined. You know what I mean? You can't even worship a lot of times. And so once I started doing it, when I raised my hand and started worshiping, I could feel those chains falling. You know what I mean?

Speaker 00: 18:52

Yeah.

Speaker 02: 18:53

It was so freeing.

Speaker 00: 18:55

And I think one of the other hardest things is as women or as daughters, I know, and I feel like I'm kind of suffering with this right now as a bondage right now, is I forgive. But it's hard to forget. And you're going to understand this part. So my daddy is recovering from addiction. And we've been trying to handle that relationship, trying to mend that relationship. And I still, to this day, and I just did it the other day, he hadn't texted me in over a month. He hadn't reached out in over a month. And I thought, hmm, I wonder what he's up to. And it's automatic, I think, the worst. And I shouldn't. I shouldn't. I mean, he's been clean going on like four years now. He's doing NA meetings. He's like... leading them or whatever and he's trying to find his way and and it's a battle for him because he is covered in the guilt bondage right now right he he's covered he knows god loves him but he he doesn't love himself yet right but i catch myself and and now that i think about that sitting here talking with you that that's just a chain right because i say i forgive him But then I let that thought come to my head immediately. And then two days later, he texts me and said, hey, I was just thinking about you. And then I felt guilty because a few days later, I thought that. And it's hard when it's a parent and child. It has to be, right?

Speaker 02: 20:41

You know, my dad once said, you can't stop a bird from flying over your head. But you can stop it from building a nest. Same thing with your thoughts. You can't stop what you think. But you don't have to... We don't have to get bound. We don't have to dwell on it. We don't have to... Which is hard sometimes. Because those thoughts are going to come. And I know my girls felt like that too. They're like, when's mom going to pull up the wagon? I had to get out of that where I wasn't parenting out of guilt. And I still do that with Oren. Um... Probably another thing that you don't even realize that you're doing. Right. Is parenting out of guilt from the things that I didn't do before. So I try to make up for it. And he ain't trying to... He just wants me to be present. You know what I mean? And I think that a lot of times we try to make up for things that we did in our past. And if we could just learn to... Forgive yourself. That's probably one of the hardest things is learning to forgive myself and to walk into that freedom.

Speaker 00: 21:59

it doesn't matter, right? The addiction, whether it be drugs or something else, right? Addiction is so many different things. Everybody automatically assumes addiction is drugs, but it's not. And bondage comes with each piece of that, right? And the emotions and the feelings of guilt and all of that all come with the same. It's all one thing. Addiction's addiction regardless of what you're addicted to. And sometimes you have to think about How do we actually break these chains? How can we move or find the healing in the chains? And it doesn't just break and snap off, right? Because if it did, that would be easy, right? And God gives us the opportunity to... take one link at a time, right? Because you have to heal in the process, right? It's not just, I'm going to pray and this chain's going to be gone, you know? It's going to be one link at a time because in each link that comes off of the chain, you find peace or you find grace in each link that falls apart. And we can't do that alone, right? We can't do that alone by any means. We have to have sisters and brothers and family and friends that are there to help us break that link. And we have to have each other, and then we have to have God. And He gives you the people that you need in the time that you need them.

Unknown: 23:39

Yeah.

Speaker 00: 23:39

So what does breaking the chains or the freedom in light, what does that look like? You have to acknowledge the chains. You have to invite God's truth into them. You have to talk about it with someone safe. And you have to walk daily in that freedom. So walking daily in that freedom, I think, is something that I still struggle with. It's not perfection. It's surrender. And every day has to be a surrender. It can't be, okay, I'll surrender today, and tomorrow I'm going

Speaker 02: 24:10

to

Speaker 00: 24:11

be

Speaker 02: 24:11

sad. I think a lot of it, too, is acknowledging, like you said, acknowledging that you have a problem. I think as women, we want to mask that. I'm fine. Like you were saying, I've got it together. Instead of saying, hey, look, I'm struggling today. I'm struggling with this unforgiveness or whatever you're struggling with that day. Because when you reveal those things and you're transparent, that's when the Lord can really, that's where your healing really comes from, is transparency. You can't heal what you don't comprise.

Speaker 00: 24:43

Right. And you can't heal if you don't tell people what it is, right? You can't. You have to stop pretending that it's not there. it has to have a name. It has to be what it is. And as women, we're the center of the family. We're the mother. We're the caregivers. And just because we're women doesn't mean that all the time that we have to be perfect or we have to be that caregiver. Sometimes it's I need a minute. Sometimes it's, I'm going to shut the door and you're just going to let me be for a minute. And that's okay. And it has to be okay. And you have to understand that it's okay. That it's okay. And then asking God to speak into the place and to keep those things off limits. That goes back to the episode we did last week where what you speak into the world, right? It's what you speak into your presence. It's what you speak into your bubble. It's what you speak into however you do it. Your tongue is like the strongest muscle of your body. And you have to be able to, you know, speak, surrender into your life. Speak life.

Speaker 02: 26:02

Speak life. Yeah, speak life. Yeah. You know, and if we don't illuminate it and it stays hidden, you know, I said we couldn't ever heal. But once it's out of the dark, the enemy loses power.

Speaker 00: 26:14

Oh yeah.

Speaker 02: 26:15

He's lost his power. That's why he don't want you to tell it.

Speaker 00: 26:17

Yeah.

Speaker 02: 26:18

He knows he's been found out.

Speaker 00: 26:19

Yeah. And you have to share, you know, I have a friend and she's like, she is in awe of the fact that I openly discuss my past. I openly discuss my drug addiction, my addiction to toxic men. I openly discuss, you know, the things that led to where I'm at today. And I, to that because that's the only way that I have been able to find peace in my life. And she's like, I just can't do it. And I'm like, I'm not really worried. Like if I go and stand in a church and I tell my story and it offends somebody, then I need to pray with them. And that's how I truly feel about it. And that might be right or wrong. I don't know. But that's how I feel about it because my story is what grace is about grace.

Speaker 02: 27:05

My dad, he laughs at me. He said, Some of that stuff you say from the pulpit, I'm like, I don't care, Dad. You know what I mean? He'd just be joking with me because I'm just raw and real.

Speaker 00: 27:15

You know what I mean? I don't care. That's what I love about you. You know, but right. And right, you have to be.

Speaker 02: 27:22

He has an older congregation, too, and I'm like, I'm going to say it anyway. Because that's where God's brought me from.

Speaker 00: 27:28

Right. I'm not ashamed anymore. No, and you can't be. That's how you find your freedom. That's how you let the chains go. And we have to, you know, you have to be able to... it says talk about it with someone, someone that you feel safe with, maybe the first time. But the second time, it needs to be with whoever is around. I have people, I came back yesterday from work, and one of my coaches says, she goes, people's been looking for you. I was like, who's been looking for you? Kelly needs prayer. And that's one of my associates. And it makes my heart bubble to know that Right. But they take grace in that moment, you know, and being the head boss or being the store manager in that retail. At first, I was a little worried about my faith, about how strong I was going to show my faith. But I can't hide it. I just I can't. Right. And I tell them, you know, if this isn't your thing, then that's fine. You know, I can relate however you come to me. And I believe that I've earned that respect from the associates in that building. And it just makes it so much more easier when you don't have to feel. Because in the world today, sometimes you feel like you have to hide that. And that's a chain that all Christians wear.

Speaker 02: 29:07

People are going to judge you. That's what I'm open to. I'm like, listen. Tell it, I don't care. You know what I mean? You can talk to me about whatever. It probably ain't nothing that you're saying I ain't done. You know what I mean? Or God hasn't brought me from, so. Well,

Speaker 00: 29:24

Ephesians 5.13 says, Everything exposed by the light becomes visible, and everything that is eliminated becomes a light. You bring in to the light not for shame, but for healing. That is so powerful, right? Because once it's out of the dark, the enemy loses its power, and God turns your pain into a testimony, right? And that's what me and Deborah both hope that y'all find in this. podcast that we're doing is that you find that light, you find that power, you find that God and turn your pain into testimony. Turn the things that you've been through into that testimony. We want you to share that with us in the comments. We want you to be a part of our podcast. And we are so grateful and humble that you have listened to us today in our podcast on Breaking Chains. If you would lead us in a prayer, Ms. Deborah.

Speaker 02: 30:24

Yes. Lord, we love you today, God. And we thank you for breaking the chains in our life, God. And we pray that you would just expose those areas of our life that we may not even know about. That we may be walking around and carrying that we're not even sure what it is, God. We just pray that you would illuminate those things. Lord, and bring it to light, and that you would give us the boldness and confidence to bring it to you, Lord, that you would heal those broken places, God, that nobody knows about, Lord, so that we can walk in total freedom, Lord. And we thank you for that freedom today, God. In Jesus' name, amen.

Speaker 00: 31:01

Amen. Remember, your silence doesn't disqualify you. God hears, he sees, and he's already moving. until next time related sisters keep walking in truth and grace we love y'all we love y'all bye